I was diagnosed with epilepsy around 11 years ago and that changed almost everything for me. At that time, epilepsy was a little less disturbing than a cyst in the temporal lobe of my brain. I am a very visual person, I was terrified to see my brain scans and see a white spot that looked like a table tennis ball. I visited many doctors, some suggested to operate and some not to. After many consultations we decided to not operate. ‘The cyst was always there, and maybe so was the epilepsy’, one doctor said. Now I could connect some unexplainable details in my life. I could reason out those faintings at school that I thought were because of sun. I could reason out those vertigos that I hid from my parents and classmates because of shame. I could reason out those sounds that I used to hear and those visuals that I could see which no one else could hear or see. I could reason out those anxious reactions and shaking arms.
I was not on drugs then. Drugs entered my life only 11 years ago. And the drugs did their magic; adding confusion, fatigue, loss of memory, lack of confidence, sleepless nights, added anxiety , restlessness and fear of almost everything. I wonder if medical sciences in India ever paid attention to this medical condition. I wonder, those who can’t afford those expensive pills, how are they surviving, living in the continuous fear of convulsions. I wonder, those who can’t afford doctors and expensive diagnostics, how do they explain what happens to them. I wonder. And I lost thread of thought….
siddhesh gautam 